


Just Off the Key of Reason

by upallnightstrungtight



Series: 3, 2, 1, we came to- [2]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Aromantic Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 08:56:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3350822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upallnightstrungtight/pseuds/upallnightstrungtight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Siwon’s affection drive sometimes gets mistaken for attachment. (Background piece #1 for <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/3350387">Bottoms Up</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Off the Key of Reason

Zhou Mi’s hand slowly covers his, all gentle smile and soft gaze. “I missed you,” he says. Siwon’s been in this exact situation before with that exact look and he panics. He might curse if he wasn’t completely frozen right now. He doesn’t want to lie, especially not to one of his own. There’s no one he longs to stay with, thinks about when he’s elsewhere, wants candlelit dinners and picking out dishware with. Every hug and kiss and caress is honest. Every time he’s told Zhou Mi how much he loves his smile, how gorgeous he is, how caring and funny and charming and fantastic, that’s all honest. He doesn’t want to hurt sweet, gentle Mimi, but he’s already been silent too long and Zhou Mi’s smile has flattened, his eyes dulled, and his hand is hanging loosely on his own knee now. “Oh. I see.”

“Please understand me. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all, okay?” Siwon’s doing his best to look comforting and less deer in the headlights, but it doesn’t seem like it’s working.

Zhou Mi’s smiling again, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Siwon bites his lip. He knows Zhou Mi is good at bouncing back, but he doesn’t want him to fall in the first place. “Please, I’m sorry. You’re wonderful. I just-“

“That’s enough,” Zhou Mi says, turning away from him. “I’ll see you later.”

Siwon’s never wanted to lie more than this moment. His chest aches horribly. But, no, he’ll just have to find a way to fix this, because he’s tried pretending before and it was so much more painful in the end for both of them. He holds that memory close to convince himself, to make sure he doesn’t do that to anyone ever again. _Maybe I should make a list._

********

Siwon looks up at Donghae from the floor. He’s always lovely, but that relaxed look, the minute or two completely free of his worries, is the loveliest. The familiar urges are blooming in his chest and come out between kisses. “You’re amazing. I love you. Come on, let’s go get some pizza!”

“Mm-Wait, what? It’s gotta be 1 AM.” Donghae raises his eyebrows like he’s trying to force himself into wakefulness. It’s so adorable.

“Yeah, I know! Let’s go!” Sliding his pants back on, Siwon hears Donghae muttering behind him, something about a free meal. Once he’s got food and warmth again, though, Donghae’s significantly more cheerful. They come back and unbundle to normal size, Siwon rubbing his hands over Donghae’s cheeks and his cold nose over Donghae’s matching one. Donghae looks pleased. Full and content, Siwon kisses the top of his head before leaving him to grab a bottle of water and see who else is awake.

Today seems to be an early night for most of them, but a few good nights are good enough, and he can always come back some other time. He’s in a good mood until he closes in on Hyukjae’s room and hears Donghae yelling through the closed door. “Hey! It’s none of your business whether Siwon likes me! Am I your property now? You can be such an ass sometimes.”

An inaudible murmur, then one of a different tenor, coming in like bursts between radio static, “…ignore… love… miss… always… share… stay…” Siwon thought that if he didn’t say those words, the ones in the Serious Relationship bubble, that this wouldn’t happen. Nothing is ever easy. (“I love you” doesn’t count, right? That gets thrown around plenty. All these rules don’t make any **sense**.) _Damnit_. Wincing, he decides he’s done enough damage and slinks away.

Donghae doesn’t seem any less happy to see him next time, doesn’t act awkward or take him aside to have any sort of serious talk, so Siwon lets him think whatever he needs to think and pretends that he doesn’t notice Donghae staring off into the distance sometimes. It’s not his place to know. He adds his best guesses to the list.

********

“Hey, handsome,” he says, leaning down to kiss Heechul’s sweat-damp forehead. Heechul smiles and keeps his eyes closed, bending one leg. The sheet falls just below his navel, the corner anchored below his lower back. “You’re phenomenal. You’re like a field of swaying flowers stretching to the horizon,” he says with an appropriate span of his hand over imaginary scenery.

“Sex and compliments are all well and good, Siwonnie, but you’re really going to have to do better as a boyfriend. Gifts, calls, dates - you're only a three out of ten on frequency. Anniversaries aren’t such a big deal, I’m a reasonable man.”

“But… I’m not your boyfriend.” The list clearly isn’t working.

Heechul sits up with a bewildered expression. “What? Aren’t you madly in love with me? What’s wrong with you?”

“No. I…” Siwon frowns. “It’s just… I don’t have those kinds of feelings for _anyone_. I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine,” Heechul says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Two boyfriends would be too much trouble anyway. I’ve got better uses for you.” For just a moment, he looks downcast, but then he shakes his head and smirks. “Ready for round two?”

********

Siwon pounces on Hyukjae from behind, squeezing him tightly. “Hi! I’m happy to see you.” He feels Hyukjae relax, then immediately tense, struggling out of his hold and turning to face him.

“You! What kind of game are you playing? I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but Donghae thinks he’s special to you!” He pushes Siwon’s chest. “And then you disappear and come back whenever you like, as if it doesn’t even matter!” He pushes with both hands this time, ineffective as the first, probably meant as a signal.

Siwon blinks. “Game? What game? I don’t understand.”

Hyukjae throws his hands into the air, then grabs his own hair, exasperated. “You’re an **idiot**. Are you in love with him or not? Make up your mind! I’m the one who has to deal with him!”

Siwon blinks. “I’m not in love with Donghae.”

Hyukjae’s shoulders slump down, his chin falling to his chest as he takes a deep breath. “Good.” He looks back up, meeting Siwon’s eyes with a ferocity he rarely uses. Siwon thinks that this must be one of those things that he’s supposed to feel and doesn’t, an inexplicably different kind of protectiveness. “I’m going to tell him, and what he wants to do is up to him.”

“I understand.” Really, Siwon loves them all regardless of whether they sleep with him. It’s just a bonus when it happens. Being reminded that Donghae has someone looking out for him like this gives him a warm, happy feeling. He scoops up Hyukjae and kisses his cheek on the way to the couch. For all his anger, Hyukjae still curls in towards his chest. “Got any good movies?”

********

“What a nice surprise!”

“Hi, hyung,” Siwon says, pulling Jungsoo close to him.

“What are you doing here?” Jungsoo squeezes right back, putting all his energy into it like he always does. Siwon loves enthusiasm. Best thing in the world.

“Lonely,” Siwon answers, nuzzling his neck, kissing right below his ear and feeling him shiver. Even as he arches his neck to accommodate the attack of Siwon’s tongue and widens the spread of his thighs for Siwon’s hand, Jungsoo strokes his hair and sighs.

“Siwonnie, what am I going to do with you?”

“I have some suggestions,” Siwon mumbles against his throat.

“Mm, that’s great,” Jungsoo curls his hand over Siwon’s to guide the pressure more to his liking, “but I really wish you could all stop hurting each other. I’ve been asked a million questions about you.” Siwon undoes the first button on his pants.

“I’m just telling the truth,” two, “I love all of you,” three, “but I don’t want to date anyone,” four, finally. “I’ve never had those kinds of feelings and I don’t think I ever will,” Siwon says as he manages to wriggle two fingers into Jungsoo’s pants, too impatient to manage more than this teasing touch. “So far, I’ve been forgiven every time.”

“You really have no idea, do you,” Jungsoo says breathlessly. “No idea at all.”

********

“You’re incredible,” Siwon says, beaming as he starts hiking Jongwoon’s shirt up. Jongwoon usually looks more pleased about this, though.

“Wait a second. I need to clear something up.” He pinches the space above the bridge of his nose. _Oh no_ , Siwon thinks, _not again. I thought I kept it under better control this time_. “You know I’m not looking for a relationship, right? I just wanna fuck. I don’t wanna do any of that 'couple' stuff with you, so if that’s what you think is happening, then we need to stop this.”

Siwon laughs with relief. Jongwoon’s looking at him like he just said he’s from outer space, but that just makes him laugh even harder. It’s a struggle to calm back down, but he eventually manages to peter out into little bubbles of laughter between his words. “I’m really, really happy to hear that.”

“Weirdo,” Jongwoon says, grabbing Siwon’s belt to pull him closer. Siwon eagerly follows.


End file.
